1000

In my last post I said that I was the prodigal son’s brother. In this post I will explain what I meant by that. First, for those who are unfamiliar with the story of the prodigal son let me briefly sum up. There was a rich man who had two sons. One of the sons told his dad to give him his inheritance. That son took his money and spent it recklessly on food, booze and women. (That’s the prodigal part; prodigal means to spend money recklessly/wastefully.) He quickly blew through his cash and had to take a menial job feeding pigs. One day he concluded that his life would be better if he went back to his dad and begged for a job as a servant. His dad welcomed him back with open arms – restored him to his former place of honor as a son, and threw a huge party to celebrate his return. The prodigal son’s brother was pissed. He hadn’t dishonored his father, lived a life of debauchery, or wasted his inheritance. He wanted to know why his dad hadn’t thrown him a party? The father told the son that he had always had access to everything he owned. (You can find Jesus’ version of the story in Luke 15:11-32.)

Jessi and I are part of a church where many of the members are recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. Many of these people have thrown away their money, jobs, health, and family by making wasteful and reckless choices. Now they’ve come to God, many of them are coming back to him, and they hope he’ll forgive them. They hope he might have some place in his family for them. They probably don’t expect to ever receive the same reward and honor as others, most would be happy just to get some scraps – just to be servants in God’s house.

The other day I was at a meeting listening to some of the members of my church tell their stories and it dawned on me that if these people were the prodigals then I was the other brother. I was born into a Christian home. I’ve always accepted Christianity as true. I considered my options and thoroughly committed myself to the Christian faith as a teenager. From a very young age I have strived to serve God and obey his commands. I have never walked away from God and wallowed in some wickedness for any significant period of time. Sure I’ve sinned, but I’ve always been a pretty good guy and have never let myself get too far off the path. Those sins I struggle with, I don’t revel in, but shamefully hide from view.

Now, the problem with being a “good” son is one never gets to test and see – to experience – the forgiveness of one’s father. You can languish in the belief that your father only loves you because you follow his rules. As the “good” son you actually might start thinking you’ve earned your father’s love. Those of us who are able to do a pretty good job, comparatively, at keeping God’s commands can develop the idea that God owes us something. In trying to earn that something we miss out on the free love God wants to give us. We miss out on the blessings God, our father, wants to lavish on us, because our relationship is dysfunctional.

The problem with the prodigal’s brother, the problem many religious people have – the problem I’ve had at times – we don’t realize that our relationship with God is dysfunctional, because our lives aren’t as blatantly screwed up as the terrible “sinners” of this world. Our relationship with the father isn’t what it’s supposed to be, but we don’t realize it. We think we’re doing just fine, because we aren’t like our brothers who spend all their money on sex, drugs, and booze. Just like our brother we think our father doesn’t forgive failure, we think our relationship with him is based on our ability to keep his law. And, just like our brother we are spiritually lost. We are all desperately trying to find purpose and worth in this life.

We all put our trust in something hoping it will give us meaning, make us happy, make us feel like we are worthwhile and good. Some of us look to sensual pleasures; some of us look to rules and regulations. But, the only way to fulfill our purpose for existence, the only way to be good, the only way to life is to be in right relationship with God our father. We religious types need to put our trust in him, not our ability to live up to some moral standard. We need to realize that our father is waiting for us to come home too.

What’s worse: legalism or antinomianism? Antinomianism is the belief that God’s grace frees Christians from the obligation of following his moral law. Legalism is the belief that we merit at least some part of our salvation through adherence to God’s moral law – and maybe a few of our own rules too. (Check out my glossary of terms page for definitions of such words as salvation and sin.) Though many Christians these days may lean towards antinomianism in practice, I think most would say that God probably likes legalists better than libertines. We humans are comfortable with legalism – it is intuitive. We’re used to giving and getting love based upon performance. And, though we usually will justify our own shortcomings, we easily condemn others for those heinous offenses we know God just can’t forgive.

For years I thought I was a pretty good person; I was only a few hang-ups away from not really having any serious bad habits. I thought I was better than most people. If only I could stop doing this and that thing I would be practically perfect in every way. Then God would really like me, and of course the blessings would start to flow. Fortunately for me, I kept on sinning and through my failures I began to understand my real problems. I had been focused on outward appearances, but my heart was corrupt. For one thing, I was a legalist. I was trying to prove my worth to God and myself by my ability to perform. I was trying to earn a good standing before God through my good works. I was the prodigal son’s jerky brother (more on that in a future post).

I am hopelessly incapable of keeping God’s law through my own self-will; I need grace. I can only love God because he first loved me. I can only truly love others – not just pursue my own self-interest – because my relationships do not earn me rewards. I can love without an agenda. I am made right with God and subsequently others through grace, not works. This is a wonderful gift from God, because if I did need to perform to earn God’s love, I would fail.

So, which is worse? Both are sins, but the problem is we rarely identify legalism as sin. That’s why it’s so dangerous. This insidious belief corrupts our relationship with God. We humans have a hard time accepting the fact that there is nothing good in us – nothing good we can do - apart from God. We just can’t accept the fact that we can’t be like God, despite what the serpent promised. Most Christians affirm that we are saved by grace, but also believe (or at least act like) we have to maintain our salvation through works. At the very least we think it must be up to us to purify ourselves before we are allowed into heaven.

Most legalists accept grace as part of the equation, they just want to also add something to it. God gives us a boost with grace, and then we have to get ourselves the rest of the way by accomplishing this or that. In the end, God’s acceptance of us is based upon our performance the legalist would claim. This is not the good news proclaimed by Jesus and his apostles. “. . . [I]t is by grace [we] have been saved, through faith--and this not from [our]selves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no-one can boast. (Eph 2:8-9)

We don’t do anything to earn our salvation; we don’t do anything to sanctify ourselves. We are made right with God through Jesus, not our works. We are sanctified by the Spirit, not by our effort. We are declared good, through Jesus, and made good, through the Spirit. Antinomianism, though incorrect, is preferable to legalism. This can be observed in the writings of Paul. He disciplines and corrects the Corinthians – many of the congregants were having sex with prostitutes. Paul questions the very faith of the Galatians who were being carried away by legalism. He says in Gal 1:6-7: “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel – which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.” In the book of Galatians Paul lays out a forceful argument against legalism. It is clear that we are saved and purified by grace – no fulfillment of any law is required for us to be made right with God.

Does this mean we can now sin as we like and it doesn’t matter? Certainly not; sin hurts others, it hurts ourselves, it wastes our lives, it does not allow the nature God to be demonstrated in us, it does not allow us to demonstrate the nature of God’s kingdom in this world. We do not need to perform to enter into a relationship with God, but a relationship with God will change us. If it is true, as the Bible teaches, that the Spirit of God lives in us as Jesus’ followers, then we should be in the process of transformation. We should be bearing fruit of goodness.

How are we changed? Not by focusing upon rules and regulations. Not through self-will and self-discipline. We are changed through love and gratitude. We are changed as we grow in our relationship with God. We are changed as we allow the Spirit to transform our desires. We are changed by focusing upon God and the love he has demonstrated through Jesus. We will mature into grown sons and daughters of God as we follow Jesus – as we take up our crosses, as we eat his flesh and drink his blood (those are his words, and many of his disciples deserted him when he said them, John 6:53).

If you want to listen to a longer discussion concerning book of  Galatians  check out The White Horse Inn

The last ten years – the first full decade of my adult life-- has at times been very difficult. There were two recessions, one of which we are still in. And, we continue to be entangled in a war. My life was personally and significantly affected by these events. I reached a very low point personally in my life at the beginning of this decade – I battled with severe depression. I went through some pretty bleak and hopeless times. In many ways outside observers might look at my life and still presume that it’s not that great. However, over all, for me, it was a fantastic decade. It was a great decade for relationships, experiences, art, and furthermore as far as I can tell things are going to keep getting better – at least that’s what I believe.

So in honor of the end of this year and the end of the naughties, I’ve made some lists of my favorite things. For example I’ve made lists of my favorite movies and albums, and lists of some of the most significant things that have happened to me. It’s been fun thinking back and remembering much of what had slipped my mind. Hope you enjoy them.

Tops of ’09 and the decade 2000-2009

Movies 2009 (all these movies make my best of the decade list):

Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

District 9

Zombieland

Everlasting Moments

Star Trek – the biggest unexpected delight of the year

Honorable mention:

Gamer – a very good social commentary

The Brothers Bloom

Funny People

Outlander – Straight to DVD (I think), but pretty darn good for what it is

Taken – not exactly the best film ever made, but I was glad to see a movie about human trafficking do so well and hopefully raise people’s awareness

Year One – I liked it

Away We Go

Sherlock Holmes – very entertaining and cool; not Guy Ritchie’s best, but I look forward to the sequel

Not as impressed by:

Avatar – “Not bad for 300 million” (Adam Trotta). I was very entertained, but my mind was not blown and furthermore I wouldn’t be that disappointed if I never saw it again. But, I’m sure I will see it again and maybe then I’ll like it a lot more; maybe I’m being too harsh. It definitely will have a huge impact for the good on the movie industry and I look forward to future movies that use technology developed for Avatar.

Coraline – Incredible animation, but I was pretty disappointed. The film was just flat.

Worst movie of the year that I saw: Terminator Salvation – I didn’t see Transformers, if I did I’m sure it would be in the running.

Still want to see:

A Serious Man

Up in the Air

Fantastic Mr. Fox – I’m very disappointed that I missed this in the theatre

Samson and Delilah

Invictus

In the Loop

Up

Whip It

Extract

The Messenger

Land of the Lost – I don’t care what the critics say (and just about everyone else), I’m seeing it. Bruno – I didn’t see Borat, and don’t care if I do, but I love Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno character.

Ong bak 2

House of the Devil

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

Seraphine

The Road

Coco Before Chanel

An Education

Summer Hours

A Single Man

Crazy Heart

The Informant!

Moon

Ponya

Me and Orson Welles

John Woo’s Red Cliff

Nine

The Beaches of Agnes

The Damned United

Bad Liutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Drag Me to Hell

Tyson

Pirate Radio

Hunger

Feel like I need to see, but don’t really want too: Precious – I know it’s getting a lot of buzz, but it looks like the kind of movie critics are supposed to like, but which are really just boring and depressing.

Best acting performance of the year: Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds” – Col. Hans Landa

Acting performance that affected me the most: Richard Sammel, “Inglourious Basterds” – Sgt. Werner Rachtman (the guy who gets beat with a baseball bat). Brief, but powerful.

My favorites of the decade (in no particular order except my number one pick):

The best: Atonement ‘07

Russian Ark ’02 – great simply for the fact that the entire movie is one continuous steady-cam shot, done in one take.

Mystic River ‘03

Million Dollar Baby ‘04

The Departed ’06 – I thought Scorsese got the Oscar for this one as a make up for Raging Bull. Then I got around to seeing it and it truly is a great movie in and of itself.

Children of Men ‘06

Millions ‘04

Pan’s Labyrinth ‘06

Black Book ‘06

Royal Tenenbaums ‘01

No Country for Old Men ‘07

Ju-on ’02 - the Japanese original of The Grudge

Gomorrah ’08 – possibly the greatest Mafia movie ever

Brick ’05 - a very cool modern take on film noir

The Host ’06

Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit ’05

Pineapple Express ’08

It’s All Gone Pete Tong ’04 – about a rave DJ who goes deaf; contains one of the best acting performances of the decade

Layer Cake ’04

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon ’00

The Protector ’05 – contains one of the best fight scenes of all time. Tony Jaa is the new Jackie Chan/Jet Lee/Bruce Lee

Winged Migration ’01

Kung Fu Hustle ’04

Amelie ’01

The Fall ’06 – more than just a visually beautiful movie.

Best in Show ’00

Hot Fuzz ’07

Shaun of the Dead ’04

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl ’03

Slumdog Millionaire ’08

The Lives of Others ’06

The Counterfeiters ’07

Bon Voyage ’03

There Will Be Blood ‘07

The Triplets of Belleville ’03

Snatch ’00

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ’05

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ’04

The Science of Sleep ’06

Kamikaze Girls ’04 – Incredible

O Brother, Where Art Thou ’00

OSS 117 ’06 – a great spoof of spy movies, and a wonderful reproduction of period movie making.

Kill Bill ’03-‘04 - I hadn't been that impressed with Tarintino until this

The Wind That Shakes the Barley ‘06

Night Watch ‘04 - please finish the trilogy

Sunshine ‘07

Breakfast on Pluto ’05 – made me feel confused, but I loved it

Moliere ’07 – a very interesting movie about the famous French playwright

Letters from Iwo Jima ’06 – much better than Flags of our Fathers

Everything is Illuminated ’05

Moulin Rouge! ‘01

JCVD '08 - an incredible performance by Van Damme playing his real self

Major movies of the decade I still need to see:

Cache

Half Nelson

Mulholland Drive

The Son

Beau Travail

Diving Bell and the Butterfly

No Man’s Land

Waltz With Bashir

Ken Burn's The War, and I need to see all of his National Parks doc (I only watched half)

Biggest disappointment of the decade: Lord of the Rings – not a bad movie, but by the third I was just not pleased with the choices Peter Jackson made. I was entertained, and I loved the music, the movies just did not meet my expectations. Runner up: Star Wars prequels; but I didn't have as high of expectations for them.

Albums of ’09:

Deer Tick: Born on Flag Day

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

One Day International: Blackbird

Miike Snow: Miike Snow

Franz Ferdinand: Tonight

Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion

Noisettes: Wild Young Hearts

Phoenix: Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Albums I still want to hear

Badly Drawn Boy: Is There Nothing We Could Do?

Muse: The Resistance

Lilly Allen: It’s Not Me, It’s You

St. Vincent: Actor

BLK JKS: After Robots – I love their EP Mystery

The Decemberists: The Hazards of Love

Kid Cudi: Man on the Moon: The End of Day

Albums of the decade:

Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes ’08

Little Joy: Little Joy ’08

Franz Ferdinand: Franz Fredinand ‘04

Okkervil River: The Stand Ins ’08

Frightened Rabbit: The Midnight Organ Fight ’08

Ray LaMontagne: Till the Sun Turns Black ’06

Badly Drawn Boy: Have You Fed the Fish? ’02

Muse: Black Holes and Revelations ’06

Lilly Allen: Alright, Still ’07

The Strokes: Is This It ’01

Gogol Bordello: Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike ’05

Gogol Bordello: Super Taranta ’07

Yann Tiersen: Amelie Soundtrack ‘01

Wyclef Jean: Welcome to Haiti – Creole 101 ’04

Coldplay: Parachutes ’00

Amy Winehouse: Back to Black ’07

Bright Eyes – I never actually listened to one particular album, I just downloaded a bunch of their music and have liked every song.

Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot ‘02

Muse: Absolution '03

The Hives: Tyrannosaurus Hives '04

I'm sure I'm forgetting something

Albums I still want to get (and haven’t heard all the songs):

Ray LaMontagne: Gossip In the Grain

Gnarls Barkley: The Odd Couple

Blitzen Trapper: Furr

Best (my favorite) songs of ‘09:

Flight of the Conchords: Friends

Miike Snow: Animal

Best song that was new to me this year: Blitzen Trapper: Furr

Song of the decade: Muse: Unintended – This song changed my life; it led me to date Jessi. I had heard of Muse a couple of years before I actually heard them, because Celine Dion tried to buy the American rights to their name for her Vegas show. I had meant to check them out and finally did. This was the first song of theirs I heard and I guess I just was finally emotionally ready for its message.

TV Best show of the year: 30 Rock

Honorable mention: Community – I really enjoy this show and hope it will grow into something really good.

Almost good: Glee – started good, love the music, but the characters got more and more annoying as the season went on (all except Jane Lynch’s Character) and I just can’t look past the cliché-ness of the story line anymore.

Favorite of the Decade: Top 3: Top Gear – They’ve driven trucks to the North Pole, A homemade amphibious Toyota across the English Channel, scooters – bought in country – up the entire length of Vietnam (showing the countries beauty and really making me want to go to Vietnam) and much, much more. This show gives me more pleasure than probably any other show I’ve ever seen.

Curb Your Enthusiasm – better than Seinfeld

The Wire

The rest: 30 Rock Dexter Madmen – I love January Jones’ performance in this show (and didn’t think she was that bad on SNL)

The Daily Show

The Soup

The Flight of the Conchords

Arrested Development

Extras

Veronica Mars – I was very disappointed that this was cancelled – who’s the killer?

Dead Like Me – I was even more disappointed that this show was cancelled, and the recent movie quite plainly sucked and didn’t answer any questions.

Worst Week of My Life – the British version

Coupling – the British version

I’m Alan Partridge

The Katherine Tate Show

Black Books

Man Stroke Woman

Monarch of the Glen

That Mitchell and Webb Look

A show I still want to see and haven’t seen a single episode of yet: The Sopranos

Why not Lost? I’ll have to see how the series ends before I give it my final judgment.

Books – It’s a little hard to keep up on books actually published this decade and especially those published this year. So, I just came up with a list of the best ones I read this decade regardless of when they were first published.

My favorites:

The Reason for God: by Tim Keller

Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World: by Jack Weatherford – unbelievably fascinating

The Brothers Karamazov: by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Babi Yar: by Anatoly Kuznetsov – a very powerful story concerning the horrors perpetrated by the Nazis

The Book of Execution: An Encyclopedia of Methods of Judicial Execution: by Geoffrey Abott – very interesting especially if you’re interested in Christian martyrdom, or just Christians killing other Christians.

The Bromeliad Trilogy: by Terry Pratchett

The Crucified God: by Jurgen Moltmann

Theological Ethics: by Helmut Thielicke

The Shaping of Things to Come: by Michael Frost and Alan Hirsch – ruined my life, in a good way

Father Brown Mysteries: by G.K. Chesterton

Orthodoxy: by G.K. Chesterton

The Curate’s Awakening: by George MacDonald

True History of the Kelly Gang: A Novel: by Peter Carey

Seabiscuit: An American Legend: by Laura Hillenbrand – made me depressed for days; disappointed by the movie

Harry Potter Series: by J.K. Rowling

Hard Times: by Charles Dickens

Hellboy and B.P.R.D. comics: by Mike Mignola – great visual art

Erasmus, the Anabaptists, and the Great Commission: by Abraham Friesen

April 1865: The Month That Saved America: by Jay Winik – made me a fan of Ulysses S. Grant; I hope to make a biopic of him someday and I really want to read his book.

The Thousand March: by Frederica de Laguna

The Church: by Wolfhart Pannenberg

Whose Religion is Christianity? The Gospel beyond the West: by Lamin Sanneh

Christianity Through the Centuries: by Earl Cairns

A Primer on Postmodernism: by Stanley Grenz

Celtic Christianity: A Sacred Tradition, A Vision of Hope: by Timothy Joyce

Various writings by Martin Luther

Various writings by Soren Kierkegaard

Introduction to Christianity: by Joseph Ratzinger (the Pope)

The Nine Tailors: by Dorothy Sayers – a very good mystery novel

Undaunted Courage: by Stephen Ambrose – made me a fan of Thomas Jefferson

The Fragrance of God: by Vigen Guroian – made me a fan of gardening

The Warden: by Anthony Trollope

Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell: by Susanna Clarke - not the easiest read, but an incredible masterpiece 

Coraline: by Neil Gaiman 

Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch: by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett 

I’m sure there were many more great books that I can’t remember at this time, but that’s a long enough list.

Favorite book I read this decade: The Count of Monte Christo: by Alexander Dumas

My favorite book published this decade: The Tiffany Aching and the Wee Free Men series: by Terry Pratchett – Pratchett is easily my favorite living author and I feel this series is better than the Potter series.

Best experiences I had this decade:

Seeing Petra and getting to climb to the top of the monastery

Floating in the Dead Sea

Swimming in the Sea of Galilee

The food in Israel and Jordan

Hiking to the top of Smith Rock with Jessi

Hiking to the top of Beacon rock with Jessi and other friends

Taking up smoking a pipe

Actually starting to like beer and really getting interested in it – drinking great beer in Eastern Europe and the U.K.

The beer in Portland

Hendrick’s Gin

Getting to spend lots of time with my cats when they were kittens

Fritz (my dachshund) – begrudgingly listed; I love him, but I often wish I had never met him

Oak park in Minot ND

The zoo in Minot Minot – I do actually miss the place, and my friends from that time

The Badlands in ND

Glacier National park with the family

Bonfires on Crescent beach

Listening to A Prairie Home Companion

Going to see A Prairie Home Companion in St. Paul with Jessi

Cedar Point Amusement Park with the Kaufmans

Trips to the U.K. – especially the one with Jessi (even getting stuck on Iona)

Oxford and the Costwolds with Jessi

Kilchurn castle at sunset with Jessi

Punting at Magdalene College in Oxford – glad I didn’t fall in

Trip to Czech Republic and Slovakia with Jessi, Caleb, Logan and Amy

Exploring a castle in the woods in Slovakia

Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic – spending the night in a castle tower from the 1300’s Meeting Phil Collins in N. Ireland – not the Phil Collins, this one was a pastor from Birmingham, England.

The Illinois River near Cave Junction, OR

Rediscovering Portland with my lovely wife

Stromboli pizza at Flying Pie Pizza, Portland

Discovering rueben sandwiches - LIl Cooperstown in Portland has the best

Ruch Church summer camps

Trip to San Diego with Dan

Driving down California Hwy 1

Elkton, OR and the drive from I-5 to Reedsport

Living in my van

4th of July in Seaside, OR

Rocket bakery and The Elk Pub in Spokane, WA

Spokane with Jessi

Gyros at the Anoush Deli, Portland

The Red Shed at McMenamins’ Edgefield, Portland

Home PDX/1-4-1

Sauvie Island, Portland

Big disappointment (maybe not the actual biggest): Jerusalem

Seemingly small – would seem insignificant things – which have changed my life for the better: Deciding to move to Spokane after graduating college and making a really stupid decision on which job to take – if I had taken the job with Stanley Steamer, which would have been the wise choice, my life would be very different.

Running into Ian Moore, a college roommate from Portland who I hadn’t seen in eight years, we happened to meet twice in coffee shops here in Medford. The second time I actually called him later like I said I would the first time.

My Dad’s suggestion, in ’01, that I look for a summer job at a camp, I ended up in Cannon Beach.

Deciding at the last minute to, through a process of eeney meeney miney moe (a much used decision making tool of mine) to go to a Mike Frost talk – a guy I had never heard of before. Watching the director’s commentary on the DVD extras of The Mission. It had a major impact upon my perspective of Christianity.

Going to Spokane with Jeremy Carlton to play drums with his band. Because of that trip I met the Steigerwalds, which has greatly impacted my life.

Discovering the White Horse Inn podcasts. It has greatly impacted my perspective; pushing me even closer to becoming a Lutheran.

Being sent by the Air Force to Minot ND. If I had gone to Europe like I wanted, I most likely would not be married to Jessi right now.

Biggest Regret (I do believe in them, they do exists and we can learn from them): Not going into the Air National Guard when I got out of Active Duty. Lesson learned: don’t just live for the moment, plan for the future. And possibly pray more when making decisions (though I don’t know if that’s helped me much. I still tend to just do what I want and think it’s what God wants).

Top 5 Big Events of my Decade:

Not getting married to a particular someone

Summer of one, and two in Cannon Beach

Being Married to Jessi

Two years of grad school – I want more

Having a baby girl

I am a materialist and a consumerist. I am not asserting a philosophical position, rather I am recognizing the way I feel and act. I was talking to my uncle about the new Kindles -- the electronic reading devices. Though they have their advantages, I still want real material books. I want to have bookshelves full of beautiful books. I want to feel their weight and the texture of their paper. I want to smell the paper – especially when it’s old and musty. I want to experience with my five senses the full material existence of a book. And, I want to feel the full existential weight that such an object gathers as it makes its way through space and time. I feel a spiritual connection to my grandparents when I hold the books they had when they were young. Would I pass on a digital file? I want to experience all of life in this way – materially, because I am a material boy.

Now, I do believe in a non-physical world. We may call this the spiritual world. But, I was not made to exist in that world. I was made for the physical world. I do believe in the resurrection of the dead – but the whole point about that, which most people miss, is that it is a resurrection of the body to live forever in a restored physical universe. I really don’t understand what most people are even talking about when the talk about the “spiritual” realm; I don’t think they know what they are talking about.

Many Christians seem to think that the “spiritual” realm is good and the physical realm is bad. Many think that spirit is good and flesh is bad. I understand where they get these ideas, however it is the result of an incomplete understanding of scripture and is similar to the heresy of Gnosticism. I believe that most of what we call “spiritual” is a part of God’s creation, so is in itself made of substance (or material perhaps). God is not physical. His Spirit is not a substance, yet it is not like the angels either, because it is non-created. God is the creator of angels and humans. God has taken on a physical nature in Jesus and has so tied himself to creation.

Material is good. The physical created world is wonderful – it is the good work of God. Our senses are good, they are given by God and through them we experience his glory. We should enjoy the physical world; we should experience it. In doing this God is glorified as his creation demonstrates different aspects of his being.

I also said I’m a consumerist; that’s not so good. I’m not a consumerist in the typical sense – I consume experience and beauty, not just expensive objects. Here’s an example of what I mean: I have a monthly subscription to a website called emusic. I pay ten dollars and I can download thirty songs a months. That’s a pretty good deal. And, I’ve been able to get way more great music than I could have afforded paying ten dollars a CD. Problem is I’ve got too much music. I can never properly enjoy any of it. I’m constantly looking for the next thing, moving on before I’ve really appreciated the last thing. I’ve become a glutton and none of it satisfies me.

I rush from one experience to the next, one beautiful thing to the next. I never take time to really enjoy the experience. My hunger is rarely satisfied for long. I must find something else to consume. I’m only preoccupied by the consumption during the act. The reason this fails to satisfy me is because my desire is not to simply experience and object through my five senses, I want to encounter and experience God. I want to experience the infinite source of good, which alone can satisfy and give purpose and meaning. So my struggle is to find the balance between truly appreciating the physical world, experiencing God through his creation, and turning beauty and experience itself into my god. That god does not satisfy. Beauty, relationships, visual art, travel, can only satisfy when they are in their proper place.

     Having a child has taught me one very important thing – I am a very selfish person. Comparing myself to others around me I could conclude that I’m really not that bad. I’m relatively patient, loving, generous, self-sacrificing so on and so on. But, I’ve known for a long time that comparing myself to others is an unreliable measure; a course fraught with many perils – not least of which is my own ability to justify and excuse my own actions while at the same time being a merciless judge of others. I am self aware enough not to fool myself into thinking that just because I think I’m a “better” person than my neighbor doesn’t mean I am a good person.

     It’s rather easy to hide one’s selfishness. At least it’s easy for me to hide it from myself. This is one of the benefits of the ego – it can protect one’s psyche by preventing one from seeing one’s true nature. There are very few situations in which the ego is overwhelmed by reality. It’s even pretty easy to hide one’s selfishness in marriage. Again, at least I think so. It doesn’t demand a complete surrender of one’s freedom – some but not complete. I can still very easily seek to fulfill my own wants and desires – keeping the relationship revolving around myself; only giving when I get something back in return. And, in the end, I can always pretend that it’s Jessi who’s the selfish one. I can play the self-righteous martyr.

     However, I can’t do any of that with Cosette. I can’t blame Cosette. My world is now forced to revolve around Cosette’s needs and desires; I’m on her schedule. I am her slave, and must scramble to fulfill her every whim. The hardest, and most frustrating part, is trying to figure out what it is exactly she wants. I take it as a personal offense when she continues to cry as I’m desperately trying to comfort her. I feel like my love is being rejected – it’s not good enough. That’s when I want to flip out.

     I love Cosette and would die for her. It’s the not getting to go where we planned when we want to, because she has decided she needs to eat for four hours; her constant desire to be held and entertained when awake – I had to eat my Thanksgiving diner with one hand, because she needed to suck on the index finger on my other hand; her inability to sleep by herself – so I have to clean the house while carrying her around; her complete refusal to wait even two minutes to be fed when she wants to be fed; it’s having to concentrate all my soothing powers upon her for forty minutes in the middle of the night in order to get her to sleep; it’s the lack of time I have to get anything done – like write my blog; it’s the constant pain my shoulders are in from holding her. Most of all it’s her anguished screams while I’m desperately trying to appease her. Those screams are the most terrible thing I’ve ever experienced, they push me to the limits of my emotional stability. I’d rather run a marathon. I can’t even fathom what Jessi is going through.

     I was hoping Cosette would change me. I was hoping she would make me a better person. But, I was hoping it would be some magical transformation that happened instantly. I’d just see her, and my love for her would overwhelm the evil which dwells inside me; all the selfishness would be pushed out by my love and I’d become a new man. I suppose I will be made into a better person if I die to myself more and more each day and choose to love her even when it’s not easy. But, first I get to be broken down. Cosette can’t make me a better person, but I’m starting to understand how God will be able to use this situation to make me a better person – a better father and husband. Cosette can’t fix me, but I’m thankful that she can be a part of my restoration. And really, what else do I have to do right now that’s more important than take care of baby (and wife).

     Our baby girl was born this last Thursday, November the 19th, by way of c-section. This was not our plan. Jessi was induced at 9:00, Wednesday night. She started having contractions around 12:00 a.m. She was in full active labor by 5:00 am and was progressing nicely when the doctor checked her at eight. But, after eight hours of active labor and pain that had nearly overwhelmed her, Jessi hadn’t made any progress. We decided it was time for an epidural and pitocin. Especially after being awake for more than twenty-four hours, I don’t think Jessi could have taken much more. I was glad to see the pain stop.

     Jessi labored for another five hours. The pitocin had ramped up the strength of the contractions. The nurse cranked up the dosage numerous times in those five hours trying to get the contractions to the desired strength. But, still no progress was made. The doctor felt that it was time to perform a c-section. He told Jessi she could continue to labor, but felt her labor would continue to stall. The baby had not been put into distress yet, but we didn’t want to risk her safety. We took the doctors advice.

     The next day the doctor told us that the baby’s head had a ring on it where it had become stuck. The birth could not progress because the baby could not fit into the birth canal. He told us about a documentary he had watched about women in Africa who have had the same problem. However, cesarean sections are not available to them. They labor for days, the baby dies; often the mother dies as well. A couple hours later it really hit me, what this could have meant for Jessi, baby Cosette and I. Simply because we live where we do, Cosette was born happy and healthy.

     After the c-section I went back to the room with Cosette. There I held her and tried my best to comfort her until her mother arrived. She did well, but it was abundantly clear that she wanted food. It was very difficult for me as her father to watch her suffer, even for this short time. Jessi soon arrived and Cosette’s ravenous appetite was satisfied for the time being.

     Jessi is breast-feeding Cosette – things are going fine, but she has yet to start producing the amount of milk that Cosette desires. This is a normal occurrence; it can take up to eight days for a mother to start producing the amount of milk that her baby craves. During Cosette’s second day there came a point where we could not calm our so far very easygoing baby. It became apparent that she was crying because she was hungry. We had wanted to only breastfeed Cosette and had no intentions of giving her formula. However, when faced with the inability to feed our child naturally we did not hesitate to supplement her feeding with formula. Fortunately multiple formula companies have sent us enough free samples to meet our needs.

     I’m usually the one who has been feeding Cosette when we do give her formula. I have her suck on my finger and then we slide a little tube, which delivers the milk, along the side of my finger. When she finally gets that first taste of milk you can see the delight in her eyes. She often gives a big smile after eating and dozes off – her stomach content. I hate to hear my baby cry in pain for even a moment, not being able to give her what she needs. It’s wonderful to be able to satisfy her hunger. I love to hold my baby. I love feeding her. I even like changing her diapers. I love to see her content. How terrible it would be to not be able to take care of her. To have to listen to her wail, and see her tears, and not be able to give her what she needs.

     We have been able to give our daughter everything she has needed; but many parents are unable to provide many of the most basic things we take for granted. In honor of our new little baby Cosette I want to tell everyone about the Child Survival Program through Compassion International. This program helps local churches in poverty stricken communities share the love of God. It exists to save the lives of the youngest, most vulnerable children, including those yet to be born. They are provided what they need to develop into healthy, thriving boys and girls – nutritious food supplements, immunizations, ongoing health care and age-appropriate early childhood education and development opportunities. In addition, these children's mothers (or primary caregivers) are provided prenatal care, health care, parenting skills training and spiritual nurturing.

Check it out –

https://www.compassion.com/contribution/giving/CSP.htm?MoreInfo=1

Please consider joining us in supporting this program.

     I was reading an article in National Geographic (click the link to read the article) about the world’s present shortage of food – which is getting worse – and the green revolution, which occurred the last time we were facing a similar crises in the 20th century. In the magazine there was a picture of an African woman and her baby. The baby was malnourished, because her mother couldn’t get enough food to produce the milk that she needed. As a man who is about to hold his own little girl in his arms very soon, I see the suffering of that African woman in a whole new way. It’s not that I didn’t care before. The horror of the situation hits me harder now.

     I have three thoughts that I want to share. I’m incredibly thankful that God has blessed me with so much. Though I have my worries, wants, and problems, I will never have to worry about my daughter starving to death (as long as a holocaust or apocalypse doesn’t hit America). She will never experience the kind of destitution experienced by so many people in this world. I’ll never be powerless to feed her, cloth her, shelter her and get her basic medical care – simple things so many parents cannot adequately provide for their children. I’m very grateful I will never have to experience that shame and suffering. I’m thankful, because I have done nothing to deserve the blessings that I have received.

     How then can I be blind to sufferings of others? For many years now I have struggled with the Bible’s, especially Jesus’ teaching on money, and the apparent danger I as a rich person am in. I feel that I have only just recently starting to understand what God is asking of me. My attitude in the past has been (at least partially): I need to sacrifice, fight consumerism and materialism, live in a poor area of town, not buy fancy clothes, or a fancy car etc. so that I can prove to God, others, and myself that I’m a good person. Now I find that I want to go without stuff that I don’t need so that I can share with others. I don’t want to get fat, while someone else starves. I still love good food – I know there’s nothing wrong with that. Food is wonderful – it’s one of the may wonderful gifts God has given us. I need food. But, I’m willing to eat a little less, if it means a mother in Africa can feed her baby.

     Finally I want to make sure I teach my daughter good habits. Habits concerning consumption, self-sacrifice in order to share, delayed gratification, healthy living, and virtuous living so that she may be a blessing to others. Incidentally I think this will also result in a more satisfactory life for herself. I want my daughter to be aware of the suffering of others, in order that she may have compassion for others. Not so that she’ll just feel guilty for the wonderful things she has and enjoys, but so that she will bless others because she has been blessed. My parents taught me good habits. I didn’t always like it when I was a child, but I’m thankful for those habits now. I want to pass those habits along. I know I need to make some changes in the way I live in order that I may help others more. I want to make those changes.

     My prayer life is rather pitiful, at least I think it is. I’ve struggled with prayer for years. Recently I had a number of realizations about my prayer life and so I’d like to share them. If you’ve got some wisdom to share with me, please do. If you are like me and don’t pray much, and feel guilty about it, then maybe my experience of mostly failure will make you feel better.

     I don’t pray much. Many days I don’t pray at all. My wife was about five months pregnant before it even occurred to me to pray for my future daughter. I’ve committed myself to praying for multiple missionaries, a Bibleless tribe in Mexico (which is now in the process of translating the Bible into their language), some poor children and their families in third world countries, and I’m sure there are some other things I’m forgetting right now. Months ago I committed to praying every day for President Obama – I had forgotten about that one until just the other day. I usually neglect my commitments. I don’t do it on purpose. I try to remember. I try to pray. Most the time I just don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to be doing.

     That’s one of my problems. A lot of what seems to be the reasoning behind prayer doesn’t make any sense to me. There are two parables which people constantly refer to, one being the parable of the unjust judge () the other being the parable of . But, the real point of both of those parables is that God loves you and wants to take care of you – we don’t have to annoy him into acting on our behalf. Most people seem to think that if we want God to do something for us, we need to badger him every day at least, and we need to get as many other people as we can to badger him on our behalf. I don’t believe God is a stingy tyrant who just gives us stuff just so we will leave him alone for a while. So, I don’t really know why I’m praying every day for the same stuff.

     I do believe that we are supposed to bring our cares and concerns to God because he loves us. I do believe that God sometimes waits on us before he acts. There are two ways in which this may work. He may at times not help us until we actually turn to him and asks for help. And, he may not fix all the world’s problems, because we humans need to actually develop compassion and love for one another.

     This leads me to one point I want to make. I’m starting to understand why I should pray for oppressed and marginalized people. It’s so I will actually develop love and compassion for them. It’s not that God doesn’t already care about them. But, he wants me to care. I do care, but it’s easy for me to get caught up with my own cares and concerns and selfishness. By taking the time to regularly remember people who barely have enough food to eat and their babies are dying of malnutrition and easily curable diseases, I might actually change the way I live. Then I might start to be the means by which God takes care of others.

     Something I recently realized about my prayer life is that what I really want is to know what boxes I have to check each day so that I can feel like I’ve taken care of my religious obligation to pray each day. Then, not only will I not have to feel guilty anymore, but also I can then feel like I’m a good Christian. This is a horrible attitude – I didn’t really know that this was part of my attitude towards prayer until just a couple of weeks ago. Hopefully I can now start to get free of this.

     Finally, I really want to feel like I’m experiencing God when I pray. I want to have some spiritual (emotional actually) experience. It’s been years since prayer has been emotionally satisfying for me. My relationship with God has felt dry and distant for at least ten years. But, it hasn’t really been dry. I’ve learned and grown immensely during that time. God has taught me so much. One of the things he has taught me is faith. I have experienced God in remarkable ways. These experiences were not emotional, but I knew by faith that God was present. Still, I want to experience “spiritual highs”. I want to feel comforted. Instead I usually feel like God is somewhere else and I’m just talking to myself. But, I hear that Martin Luther thought that God is most active when he is most remote. That’s the theology of the cross.

Neither Christians, nor Americans have a monopoly on Moralism, but since I am a Christian and an American I will speak from this perspective. I define moralism as an inordinate focus upon behavior – a moralist does not care about motives. A moralist does not care about the spirit of the law, only the letter. A moralist seeks to harass and coerce others into following their own personal set of morals. A moralist believes that their nation is specially favored by God, because of their nations ability to follow God’s moral laws. Therefore, they must seek national conformity to this law. Only outward conformity to these laws is necessary, not actual submission of the heart to God. Thus, the moralist’s primary focus is appearances – as if God will be fooled. In this way the moralist ignores the actual spiritual rebirth and eternal salvation of their neighbor.

This is simply Pharisee-ism. Of course we may have some sympathy for the Pharisees. Israel was indeed chosen by God. Israel was given God’s law, and her infidelity did result in severe punishment. One can understand the Pharisees’ desire to get it right. But, as we know Jesus didn’t seem to see things their way. He called them whitewashed sepulchers – they looked nice on the outside, but stank on the inside. Jesus seemed to be more concerned with the eternal Kingdom of God than the temporal state of Israel. He seemed to be more concerned with people’s restoration and salvation than their current lifestyles. He seemed to be care more about unburdening them than weighing them down with rules they could never keep.

The other problem with moralism is that it perpetuates Adam’s sin – for the moralist seeks (often unwittingly) to attain righteousness apart from God by works through self-will, not by grace so that he my boast how he is indeed is better than all the damn sinners who are destroying his nation. Moralism is self-righteousness. This is why a Christian should avoid moralists from their own and other religions. We may share the same morals, but we do not share the same goals, or values. I do believe we can work with people from other faiths, or even no faith, to accomplish shared goals – but the advancement of the Kingdom of God, and following Jesus (which should be the primary goals of a Christian), are not goals that we share with non-Christians. We must never forget this.

A Christian must respect and value their non-Christian neighbor as a person who bears the image of God. A Christian must always remain humble, knowing they are just as broken as their non-Christian neighbor. We can work together to build a better society, but we must always remember that such a society is part of the temporal earthly kingdom of humankind. That doesn’t mean it’s worthless. This temporal creation we live in is the work of God and has value. We are physical beings, with temporal physical needs. We have important non-spiritual roles to play. It is good for Christians to work for a better society. In fact we have an obligation to be good neighbors and citizens. Such a society will be a blessing to its members, and a society that promotes good living is a good thing. But, it is not the Kingdom of God.

Christians are not superior to non-Christians. Our good works are the result of God’s grace, not the fulfillment of the law and therefore do not warrant the blessings promised by the law. Our sins are forgiven by grace, and so we avoid the curse of the law. Christians do have a special mission in the world, which has nothing to do with coercing others to follow our certain set of ‘superior’ morals, (our morals rarely differ from other religions).

Our mission is proclaiming the goods news of the Kingdom of God – God’s Kingdom has broken into this world and he will overcome the evil and injustice of this world. Jesus has made it possible for all humans to become members of God’s Kingdom and family through the work of his life, death and resurrection. Through Jesus we can be reconciled to God, and this reconciliation is a gift of grace, through faith. Paul tells us (Romans 10: 8-11) that we proclaim: “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, ‘Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.’” This is the fundamental Christian religion, not our moral beliefs. Good behavior is a by-product of a proper relationship with God. Morals are secondary. This does not mean they are unimportant, but we were only instructed to teach disciples of Jesus to obey all that he commanded (Matt 28:19-20). Salvation and obedience is a result of faith and trust. We cannot force anyone to trust, or believe. The Christian religion is fundamentally opposed to forcing others to believe as we do, or live just as we do.

There are many followers of Jesus who have been led into moralism. They are not bad people, they do love God and their neighbor. They are simply misguided. Many of the people doing the misleading are very nice and well-intentioned people. But, their motives and their goals are wrong. So, we must always think critically, and must always consider the worldview, religion, motives, and goals of the people we follow. I’m not mad at Christians who have become moralists. I love the ones I know. I can be one. But, I’m trying to follow Jesus, and I’m trying to help point others to him. I have no desire for them, or anyone to follow me. I want them to follow Jesus.

As I said, I’m not immune to moralism. Some may assume that moralism only afflicts conservatives, or they may assume I’m making the assertion – hardly. There are plenty of liberal and moderate moralists. It’s a very common, if not universal, affliction. I myself tend to get caught up in social justice issues. And at times in my life I have definitely put the kingdom of humankind before the Kingdom of God. It’s very easy to get caught up in trying to make this world into what one perceives as perfect, and trying to force others to live like you do. (Of course there are certain universal moral rules where it is perfectly acceptable to force others to conform, e.g. murder and theft.) It’s very easy to put ones temporal self-interest before God’s will. I do it all the time.

A Christian must also be careful not to fall into the error of the Sadducees, which is secularism (which is not the same as believing the there is a secular realm, which there is). The Sadducees denied the resurrections, and therefore eternal life. As a result they ignored the sacred, and turned everything into a social, political, or economical issue. Even religion became secularized. This happens today when Christians try to change the world, and leave Jesus out. They want everyone to be happy and blessed right now – and you don’t even have to talk about Jesus. I’ve been guilty of these too.

I’ll end with a nice quote from Robert Louis Stevenson, which my uncle put me on to. "If your morals make you dreary, depend on it, they are wrong."

It has been a while since I wrote an update concerning Jessi and my church planting activities. In my last update I said that Jessi and I had decided that maybe there just wasn’t a need for a church plant in Medford and we should just look for a good church that shared our values and could use our help. We looked for a church that was missional, specifically a church that attempts to seek out those who are neglected. We wanted deep, meaningful spiritual and physical interaction, and interdependence on a regular basis. Finally, Jess and I wanted to be part of church that allows women to exercise the gifts God has given them.

We found a great church – actually two – Set Free and New Life. The way it works is there are two pastors, and two congregations that share a building and resources. They work together in many ways, and one of the pastors oversees everything. The church is Christ-centered and missional – they reach addicts, homeless people, mentally ill people, convicts, bikers (ones who have been in gangs and jail, not just people who own Harleys), people in poverty, young and old, black and white. One pastor is black, the other is white. The church respects the contribution of women to ministry. Jessi has more opportunities to get involved than she has time (or energy now that she’s pregnant). The church is small and works at building meaningful community. We’ve developed some good relationships. One of the people who attends the church was a roommate of mine in Portland, and we’ve become good friends. We encourage each other in our Christian walks, and we help each other out; he’s helped me a lot on my house.

The pastors are great, and I’m really impressed by their willingness to let Jessi and I get involved, even giving us leadership roles. They show no signs of being control-freaks. Though they’ve never even heard of being “missional”, the emerging church, centered sets vs. bounded sets, or any of the emerging church leaders (they might have heard of Brian McLaren), they have created a church that shares the values of the emerging church. Now, it isn’t a cool, or “relevant” church. They don’t serve Starbucks. They don’t have an internet forum – most of the people in the church don’t even have internet access. They don’t have an awesome worship band – the worship is basically karaoke. They aren’t really doing anything particularly innovative. But, I’m not talking about any of that when I say they share the values of the emerging church. For some reason some people seem to think being culturally savvy is what defines the emerging church. All those things, which are at times very nice and helpful, are not primary.

The head pastor of our church used to be a Seventh Day Adventist pastor. He left that church about ten years ago. Now his orthodoxy is about as generous as anyone’s could be, and he has established Set Free / New Life accordingly. The church has no doctrinal statement and no membership. The church is centered and focused on Christ and his gospel of grace; everything else is open for debate. And, you don’t even have to be a follower of Christ; everyone is welcome no matter what they believe, or where they are at in life. They don’t ask anyone to modify their behavior before they welcome them and accept them. They value openness and honesty. They value and seek to create community. They are missional; they aren’t waiting for people to come to them. They seek people out, and they strive to help people in need. Both pastors and many of the congregants are involved in social work.

We love our church new and are excited to help out. We are glad to have found it. Yet, it didn’t take long before the head pastor asked us if we would like to plant a church. He told us we could start our own congregation and use the facilities. He said he didn’t feel they were reaching enough young people – they do reach a lot of young people, but they are usually all addicts, or recovering addicts. Still, he recognizes there are many people he and the other pastor don’t know how to reach and he thinks Jessi and I can. It’s pretty amazing to me that once we gave up the idea of planting a church then we soon met someone who wants to help us plant one. The pastor also wants to work with me to accomplish many shared ideas we have for outreach – for example, an internet café.

Right now we are just helping to facilitate an adult Bible Study and we help on Sunday morning with the youth. I love teaching, preaching, and pastoring. This past year I’ve been learning a lot and growing in my understanding and my relationship with God. As I learn new things I can’t wait to share them with others. I’m already starting to dream of the type of church I’d like to help get started. I want to call it a post-Evangelical church – instead of say Baptist, Lutheran, or emerging. That doesn’t mean I’ve rejected Evangelicalism, if you want to know my thoughts on Evangelicalism I’ve written some past blog posts about why I am one. I just think Jessi and I and many other Christians have moved beyond being defined by the word Evangelical. I’ll write later about what I mean by post-Evangelical and about the ideas I have for the kind of church service I’d like to be a part of.

As of now Jessi and I have to wait for our daughter to be born and for things to settle down a little before we think about actually starting a new congregation, but I’m very excited about the possibilities that are before us.