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With the approaching birth of my daughter there has been in me the reawakening, or rather remembering, of an old desire. That is my desire to be a good father and a good husband.

When I started college I wanted to become a youth pastor. I didn't want to change the world, change the Church, purify the Church of self-righteousness and legalism, fight modernism -- or postmodernism. I didn't really care about making a name for myself. I didn't care about getting my work published. I didn't care about people following my blog posts. I just wanted to be a youth pastor at a church similar to the one I had grown up in. I had no other aspirations -- well that's not completely true. 

During my freshman year of college I wrote a screenplay for the Dukes of Hazard (might I point out that this was long before every '70's and '80's gen-X appealing TV show was turned into a movie). A man who is a writer, and works in the movie industry, read it. He said it was good, said I had the talent to make it as a writer. But, he told me I'd have to move to Hollywood, and if I was lucky one day someone might look at one of my screenplays. I wrote one more screenplay the summer after my freshman year. My dad encouraged me to go to film school. However, I chose to go to Bible College to become a youth pastor. I thought it was the best choice at the time. I suppose I would say I thought God was leading me in that direction -- not that I would have ever said God told me to go to Bible College. Incidentally, it's not the choice I would make today knowing what I know now. I would never encourage anybody to go to Bible College, at least not for four years, and not to get a degree in Bible. Yet, I don't regret it. And, if I had just gotten married and become a youth pastor as planed I wouldn't be writing this.

In college the thing I most desired was not becoming a youth pastor; it was becoming a husband and a father. That is where my real ambition was directed. For me, it was the most important thing. However, becoming engaged introduced me to a new set of goals and concerns. My fiancé was a racecar driver. The world of motorsports was her mission field. So, I decided to support her in her career and the ministry opportunities that it had opened for her. That meant me not becoming a youth pastor. Also, though she had a sponsor, participating in motorsports was costing her much, much more than she was making. Though I could never really have hoped to pay all her expenses, I wanted to make a contribution. My fiancé's dad was willing to continue paying her expenses, but he also told me he thought it really was my responsibility. Which meant that though he'd pay, he'd always see me as a failure. What was I to do? I had no idea. I just knew I needed to pursue some sort of career in which I could make a lot of money -- business perhaps, sales to be precise. But, I was not prepared for that; I had no idea where to even start. My senior year of college I had switched my minor from music ministry to communications and I studied videography. Perhaps, I thought, I might be able to pursue my abandoned dreams of being a writer and director. Again, where to even start -- I should have gone to film school.

Alas, the wedding was postponed with only one month to go, and shortly afterward the engagement was broken. I had trouble recovering from this and struggled to aim my life in a new direction. Now, I have always struggled with feelings of inferiority, which have manifested themselves in a desire to prove my self-worth through various means. The intensity of this desire has waxed and waned throughout my life. The breaking of my engagement aggravated it. I wanted to prove my self-worth to my fiancé's parents. I wanted to show that they were fools for forcing me out of their daughter's life. As I drifted through the next few years of my life I was always partially motivated by this desire. I wanted to be somebody so important that they'd hear about me and regret what they had done to me (not that I still wanted to marry their daughter -- I'm glad I didn't, and am thankful her parents stopped us, but I was still mad at them).

Now I've been a husband for just over five years. But it took becoming a father to remind me of my old desire. The most important thing I will most likely ever do is be a husband and a father. I want to do it well. As a husband and father I have been given the responsibility of glorifying God in two very special ways. By glorify I mean demonstrate/reveal what God is like. As a husband I have the responsibility of demonstrating Jesus' sacrificial love for the Church (Eph 5:25). As a father I have the chance to demonstrate the nature of God as Father. All of God's creation reveals, that is glorifies, something about who he is. I have been created for the purpose of revealing to my wife and daughter two very important aspects of God's nature.

I will fall short. But, I delight in the opportunity to be an instrument of God's glory. Perhaps my wife and daughter will be the only ones who see this meaningful work. Perhaps I will never make a name for myself. I don't think anyone ever got famous for being a good husband and father. I may never make any recognizable contribution to society. I don't care. There is really no task which I have been given that is more important.

Some may wonder how I can say such things when I have been critical of ministries such as Focus on the Family [1]. And, how I can be opposed to the idea that the family is sacred (I see no such teaching in Christian Scripture). I am not anti-family. I just don't believe family is the most important thing in life. It cannot command absolute loyalty. There are times we must forsake family obligations in order to follow Jesus, because the Kingdom of God comes before family. Proclaiming the good news of the Kingdom of God is more important than my family's present comfort and blessing. However, by attempting to live as a family in community with other Christians according to Kingdom values -- not forcing them on others, just living them out -- my family will glorify the Kingdom of God. By being a good husband and father I will show my wife and daughter a taste of God's love for them. I will help them mature, as they grow closer to God. This has eternal value and will most likely be the most important thing I ever do.

[1] Many people in the Church idolize the family -- they put family before God's Kingdom, or they simply give it an inordinate status. I don't believe Focus' goal is to idolize the family, nor do I believe everyone who contributes to Focus idolizes the family. However, I do believe they are contributing to the problem. I recently heard a man say that if we want strong churches we need to build strong families. I completely disagree. The Church is not built upon families. Its foundation is Jesus and it is made up of individuals who have been made members of God's family. The Church is a spiritual family and in no way requires that it be made up of biological families. In fact Jesus says: "For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household'" (Matt 10:35-36). The Church is a new community made up of those who have chosen to follow Jesus Christ -- it is not made up of families just looking for good moral teachings, so that they can have nice functional families. It is a blessing when our biological family is also part of our spiritual family. However, if they are not, then family is a mission field. We must love them and demonstrate God's nature -- to the best of our abilities -- so that they may enter into relationship with God. If my daughter does not become I follower of Jesus I will still love her and try to be a good Father. But, as my daughter becomes an adult I will not force her to live according to God's law, in the same way I will not force my neighbor to live according to it. I have family members who are already Christians, and I want to encourage them in their walk in the same way I would encourage any other Christian.